The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
