so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
