i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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