i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
