People in love make me want to vomit
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
