Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you had me at cake vodka
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize