just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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