I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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