dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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