she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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