what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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