You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
