is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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