his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
