Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
