i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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