umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
