She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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