Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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