tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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