I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
