I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
