Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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