piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
