Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
