i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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