I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize