1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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