I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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