Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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