I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
and you fell through a lawn chair
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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