Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
