Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We're too hungover to prance.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
