I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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