she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
