OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
