whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
