i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
