at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
