I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
