Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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