I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
