they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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