I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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