Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
