my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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