I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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