i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
