you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
