From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
