When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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