I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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