Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
