If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
