Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize