Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Green mimosas i think yes
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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