Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
