the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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