I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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